written by: Nydia

Ahhh Love… I live for the thing that hurts me the most.
You come in and out of my life but leave behind your ghosts, that forever haunt me.
I acknowledge the pain you cause me, but still I take it willingly.
You tease me with a full glass of bliss but only let me have a sip.
Give me just little peak of the happiness i could have…
What I thought I had…but I watched it slip through my fingers like sand.
The sand of my hour glass…I watch time pass.
And I’m left here perplexed still trying my best to comprehend
These cards life has dealt me.
I know the choices I’ve made in the past weren’t healthy.
And as a result, this heart of mine grew cold and heavy.
And right when I think I’m done with this sick game you play using hearts for toys
Just when I’ve built my walls and doors mighty high and strong like Troy
And I convince myself like the Raven you are just a mirage and nothing more
You return with a new face filled with sweet promises and hope.
Deep Inside knowing damn well it’s a planned out trap like the Trojan horse.
Once I open my doors and let you in…You leave me in ruins.
Can’t say I didn’t see this coming.
What can I say my Love?
I can’t spend the rest of my life from you running.

Question: Why are we mortals such Masochist’s?

written by: Nydia

I

*

Why must I torture myself the way I do?

So scared of being caught in lies

That I fail to see the truth

When it’s right in front of my eyes

How can I begin to change the world around me?

When I’m afraid of change

I witness people change around me

But I feel I remain the same

And so used to it I became

Used to the pain

Of being let down

I still hurt

But I’m the only one to blame.

II

*

Physically there are people around me

But all my life I’ve been alone.

So afraid of letting anyone get close

I run away at the first sight of attachment

I try to maintain my composure

But I can’t deny the attraction

This distance maims me

But I can’t let it show…

I’ll just let it kill me softly

Until I can’t take it anymore.

III

*

I’m sorry I’m not as strong as I once thought I was

I fall to my knees

Wanting to believe

Wishing I had someone to pray to

But a Godless child like myself has nowhere to turn to

But my own reflection in the mirror

And own up to my mistakes.

written by: Nydia

In the mist of my own personal chaos

You gave me the energy I needed

That caused the right turbulence

And in my life a positive movement has commenced…

How did you know before I could even comprehend?

My destiny lies not in some sacred book

But in my own hands…

I can no longer pretend

That your presence doesn’t faze me

I tried to stay away

But time only revealed

Perhaps you’re exactly what I need…

It’s getting harder to conceal how I feel.

(Now the question that remains is…

Is it true or is it just a facade?

Do we shape our own chaos?

Because only in this state is where we feel accepted?)

written by: Nydia

I walk this lonely road

Made of stones

Bare feet

And now they bleed

But it doesn’t stop me

This movement I keep

The harsh wind blows

It breaks my bones

Internally I bruise

And I cry…

To get off this road

Do I even try?

I think not…

So I walk…

Only to find

The road is incomplete

In the middle of nowhere I stand

With a mount of stones in the front of me

And still my feet bleed

And my bones ache

Can I endure more pain?

So one by one I begin to take

Each stone and put them in their place

As if I knew it by heart…

Working so hard now

And it’s only made me weak

Once so tall

To my knees I fall

On this path of misery

I myself have helped build.

written by: Nydia

Here I Lay

Another Day

Gone BY

More Wasted Time

I Wonder Why Sleep Won’t Visit Me Tonight

Or Any Other Night

Too Much On My Mind

I Need Rest

But This Feeling That Keeps Me Up I Can’t Express.

Though I’m 21 Years Young I Feel Like I Have Lived For A Thousand

I’ve Been Reincarnated Many Times Only To Witness This Cycle We Call “Life”

A Term Used But Still Undefined

Am I Living? Am I Alive?

I Think Not

For I Died Many Years Ago

When I First Believed And First Realized There Was Such Things As Lies

I’m Not Blind

I See Everything And It Kills Me

I Could Sit Here And Cry, Beg Or Preach

But This Wall Between The World And I Can’t Be Breached

It Won’t Make A Difference

No One Really Hears Me

Or Maybe They Do But Just Choose Not To Listen

I’m Not Deaf

I Hear Everything And It Kills Me

(I Hear The Cry Of A Hungry Child In A 3rd World Country, I Hear The Cry Of A Mother Who Just Lost Her Only Son In The War…And I Hear and See So Much More.)

How Can So Many People Witness Such Cruelty And Turn The Other Cheek?

It’s Unbelievable How Ignorance Can Overpower The Mind Of So Many

The Misery Man Brings To This World Is Sickening.

With Every Breath I Take I Inhale This Poison

That Makes Me Sick To My Stomach,

Makes My Skin Crawl.

I’m Going Insane

With These Thoughts

I’m Just Writing

Probably Not Making Any Sense At All…To You

But It’s Ok Because I Understand

I Have Grown So Bitter And Cold

“Life” Has Given Me Nothing But False Pretense

Leaving Me Hollow Inside, Nothing But An Empty Feeling…Disheartened.

I Have So Much Hate Within Me

Yet All I Can Offer And Demonstrate Is Love And Kindness

And I Hate it!

“Hope” Is Not In My Every Day Vocabulary

For I Have Lost All Hope In The Human Race

Man Will Never Change

Greed Will Always Prevail

The Rich And Powerful Will Always Tyrannize The Poor.

Because How Else Would Society Work?

There Will Always be Wars, Murders, Rape, Homelessness, Racism, Sexism…

The List Goes on

And I Can’t Do Anything About It At All.

These Tears I Cry Are Of My Pain Combined With Your Pain And Everyone Else’s Pain

In The Past, Present And Future Pain To Come.

I Truly Feel Like “The King Of Sorrow”

Cause I In Fact Cry Everyone’s Tears

That’s What Keeps Me Up.

That’s Why Happiness Will Never Be For Me.

Because That State Is Temporary And It Will Always Be.

I Indulge Myself With Desolation

This Painful Path I Live (Not By Choice)

Will Be The End Of Me

I’m Not Psychic But Somehow I Know, I Feel It.

And I Can’t Stop It.

Cause I Can’t Ever Beat My Worst Enemy…Time.

But I Will Utilize The Time I Have Left

To Share, To Love, To Care, To Help As Much As I Can, To Bring Some Sort Of Happiness To Someone

Though No One Will Ever Bring (Complete) Happiness To Me.

If Only I Could Learn To Forgive

But I Can’t Let It Go…I Just Can’t Let It Go…

*Note: Written 8/4/2006 @ 2:15 AM*

written by: Nydia

Words whispered in secret

Story hidden from the world

Voices only I can hear

Torment me through the night

I can’t help but wait

For silence

But I’ve gotten so used to it

I’ve started to believe

This state of unease is my preference.

Cause’ if everything is all right then there is something wrong.

The more I see the more I fall.

The more inspiration I get to stand tall.

The lies used against me

Tried to hurt me tried to change me

But too wild of a child I am

Not even they can tame me

It’s no one’s fault that I long to be free

I don’t like to be told what to do

So save your breath

I’m the only one that can make me happy

I’m the only one that can make peace in my head

Enough to find that silence to help me rest

It’s what I said

Then you come along with those eyes

With that smile

That can heal me or cut me

I lived in denial

These whispers now have turned to yelling out loud

The story has been found

And you hold it in your hands.

One morning I found that another heart had been stepped on…

(written by Edgar Allan Poe, 1827)

“In visions of the dark night

I have dreamed of joy departed

But a waking dream of life and light

Hath left me broken-hearted”

Written by: Nydia

I smile because I’ve cried
And feeling sadness is knowing happiness
And being weak in knowing strength
And feeling is knowing I’m alive

I have been through hell
But being through the worst is knowing there is better
Yes life is still hard
But I smile because I’m still here
I have made it this far

Like a soldier
I stand and fight
For my beliefs
My Goals
My Family
My Friends
For Love
My Life..

Though at times I feel hopeless
Deep inside I know
I will be alright
Because I’m too great
To let life pass me by

I feel this energy of creativity
all over my body
I know in this life
I will be that somebody

That will make a difference

Yes I’m just one person
But I’m well aware of the power I have in my hands
I can move mountains, emotions,
Oceans and cause landslides
With just the power of my voice
my pen, my guitar
I can evoke feelings and ideas
within you…within me

Don’t you see?
All you need is to THINK.

And by all means
FIGHT for what you BELIEVE
to the fullest

For as long as you have INDIVIDUALITY

you are FREE.

No one can take that away from you.

SMILE. BE FREE.

Written by: Nydia

I’ve loved you since the moment I opened my eyes

Too naive then to realize, but you blinded me with your beauty

With your sun rise, with your moon and your stars

Your body was my playground and in it so many treasures I’ve found

And with your oceans, you washed my pain away

Laying on the green grass I day dreamed with you for days and days

Watching the clouds pass by and forming different shapes

Everything you are took my breath away

But little did I know of the other side that waited for me

The side that forever bruised me internally

The side that brought me to insanity

The side that cursed me with this heavy heart if mine for eternity

No longer do I know who you are

Your neither friend nor foe

Now I walk this path heart broken not knowing where to go.

All I see is pain and misery everywhere I turn.

Realizing that my eyes truly open never were

The greed, the selfishness, the violence, soulless creature’s burn

Feeling hopeless now, waiting for them to take my breath away.

They took my sun shine, the blues skies now Grey

The moon and stars are fading and your oceans filled with blood stains

The green grasses in which once we laid are in flames

And now all I do is cry for days and days

Wondering where did all the beauty go

They came and took it all away.